B.B. See: After years of silence, the Singapore Navy has finally issued an official disclaimer to assure all Singaporeans that it does not have warships that can transform into robots. Is this really true or is it a typical cover up? Andre Chichak has the news.

Andre Chichak (VO): The controversy started years ago when top-secret videos were discovered showing on TV and at cinema theatres. One video shows a Navy warship transforming into a robot which then fires a rocket at the person holding the camera. He or she is probably not alive now. In another video, a man is sitting in his office when suddenly the buildings around him start sliding into the sea and photocopying machines are seen shooting potted plants out of the windows, for some strange reason.

Andre Chichak (stand up): Because of these exciting videos, many young men and women have done the unthinkable. They have signed on. Now does the Navy really have such cool robot technology? I’m here now with our Navy Spokesman, Colonel Alan Tuang. (handover the mike to Colonel and salutes him)

Navy Spokesman Alan Tuang: (takes the mike and salutes Andre)
Ladies and gentlemen, those videos are not real. I repeat, they are not real. It is just an advertisement. Please do not be alarmed. The Singapore Navy does not have warships that can transform into giant robots with killer lasers and rockets. And our office buildings cannot sail into the sea. Especially when they belong to the expensive banks… Look, I signed on because of the sun, the sand and the sea, you know?! What? The possibility of having such technology in the future? Ah that is classified information. No Comment… Er maybe. Maybe…

Andre Chichak: While the Singapore Navy has denied all existence of robot-transforming warships, we have received intel that a famous director has been invited to Singapore last week.

Director, Michael Bayakrishnan:
(Directs someone offscreen) Put more explosions there. Not enough! I want more Boomz! (To camera) Ah yes, the army people have seen my work. The one where the dancing robots transform into cars. And then they transform back again. Choo choo choo choo choo. So they have asked me to build the next-generation of hi-tech weapons for them. I say, if we can make Avatar, we can also make giant mega robots! Shoot lasers, rockets, flower pots and my favourite, Explosions! Boomz! Bwahahaha! (Walks off to direct someone off-screen) Eh! Don’t play with the robot!

Andre Chichak: Boomz indeed…. It looks like the next-generation army will be having a blast of a time. This is Andre Chichak, reporting for the Noose.


Noose tv scripts – Lunch-hour Financial Bulletin (unpublished)

Noose 3 – Business News – Lunch-hour Numbers

Let’s check out what’s happening in the financial scene this week with our business reporter, Aaron Boomzberg.

Aaron Boomzberg:
Thank you Adrianna. Now as we all know, the lunch hour is the most enjoyable time while we are working. So here are some lunch hour numbers that can tell us how our economy is doing.

According to our survey, 500 people gathered at the grass patch at Raffles Place during lunch hour this week. A total of 75 office-workers made their own sandwiches for lunch while 245 asked their mothers to do it for them. Yeah, so-so.

Meanwhile, 25 pencil-thin office ladies were spotted wearing pencil skirts, this drove the Straits Times Index up by 0.74 percent! in the afternoon. That’s good news.

For bad news, 15 accountants were sent home by their bosses during lunch-time for wearing shirts with floral designs. And one sales executive accidentally punctured the tyre of a taxi while crossing the road with his pointy leather shoes. This is the 5th incident that has happened this week and we will like to warn everyone to be more careful when they are wearing pointy leather shoes.

That’s all the figures we have for now. The economy seems to be going up, yay. (thumbs up)

Back to you Adrianna. (Stands up and about to walk off) Oh, and please tell the guy beside you to wash the pants before passing to me next week.

(Talks to offscreen producer)
When will we get some budget around here? Why do I have to share my pants with him? (Points at B.B. See)



B.B. See:
In order to fight global warming and save the world, the Ministry of Environment has introduced new policies today, that will help reduce Singapore’s carbon emissions level.

Andrea Wow: Come on Singapore, let’s fight global warming! (Punches the air) Pow! Pow! Pow!

B.B. See: Andre Chichak has the news.

(Montage of hot weather. Sun. Pple walking under umbrellas. Panting dog. etc)
Andre Chichak (V.O):
Hot. Hot. (Sexy babe) Wa very hot.

Andre Chichak (standup, East Coast Park):
Is it getting hotter in Singapore or did someone just turn off our air-con? Oei! (takes off slipper and throws off-screen) Switch on the air-con leh!

Air-con Commercial Man cleaning air-con:
Just wipe wipe here. Wipe wipe here. Best energy savings! (slipper flies in and hits him on the face)

Andre Chichak (standup, East Coast Park):
So to fight against global warming, the gahmen has passed a new carbon emissions law, here at East Coast Park.

(Sergeant Planet talks to errant BBQ family)
Sergeant Planet: Eh boys and girls, you cannot bar-b-q more than 5 chicken wings and 3 hot dogs! Or else you will release many carbon dioxide into the air. And then our planet will have the greenhouse effect! Very hot! Okay, I confiscate your chicken wings.

Boy: Wa, who is that?

Girl: You don’t know meh? He is Sergeant Planet!

Boy: Wa…

Sergeant Planet (to camera): (Holds up burnt piece of chicken wing)
Remember kids, don’t make chao-tah. Bad for the planet. The power is yours!!!
(He flies off into the sky with a rainbow trailing behind him.)

Andre Chichak (standup, East Coast Park):
(Waves to sky) Bye bye Sergeant Planet!
(To camera) Besides having these new measures against global warming, the gahmen is also conducting a study at Underwater World Sentosa to see if we can all live under the sea when Singapore is flooded. This is Andre Chichak for the Noose.

Noose tv scripts – Mother Tongue Survivor Group (unpublished)

Noose 3 – Mother Tongue Survivor Group

The recent debate about the review of the Mother Tongue education policy has opened a floodgate of painful memories for a large group of Singaporeans.

Adrianna Wow:
Yes, in fact, a Mother Tongue Survivor Group has been set up to help them. Andre Chichak has the news.

VISUALS: Teacher holds up simple flash cards in a language class, a man sobbing as a teacher guides his brush to write Chinese calligraphy strokes, people sitting and talking in a circle – group therapy, group hugs.

Andre Chichak (V.O):
Every few years there will be a debate about our Mother (pause) Tongue languages in the schools. Unfortunately, this brings back painful memories for some Singaporeans who have suffered humiliation and embarrassment in their classes. Thankfully, the Ministry of Education has formed a support group to help them reverse the years of psychological damage in their minds.

One of the members of the Mother Tongue Survivor Group is an ex-expat from France, Arthur Lim.

Arthur Lim, Ex-expat and Mother Tongue Survivor: (insert thick French accent)
Why are they always debating about my Mother (pause) Tongue language? Why? Why? My family was forced to migrate to France because of the old Mother Tongue education policy. We are Mother Tongue refugees! I still have nightmares of my Chinese teacher giving me spelling tests. Horrible. Some of us are born with no Mother Tongue, you understand? We only speak one language at home – Hokkien. An Chua Ar Ni Kuan?! (Translated as “Why like this?”)

Andre Chichak (V.O):
The battle lines between the monolingual revolutionaries and mother tongue loyalists have been drawn. Some demonstrators have even gathered at Speaker’s Corner to show their displeasure against the education review board.

VISUALS: A group of Mother Tongue Loyalists dressed in red. One shouts, “Support our Mother!” Another shouts immediately after, “Tongue!”

Geok Pok Lim, Mother Tongue Loyalist:
Don’t make our Mother Tongue lose weight in the PSLE! If you do, we will pour buckets of duck tongues, chicken tongues and the double-forked snake tongue at the school gates!

Andre Chichak (standup):
In order to help students learn their Mother Tongues, the Ministry of Education has decided on a new and creative campaign. Here’s an exclusive Noose preview of the latest music video released by acclaimed local musician, DJ Gor-Kak. My Mother Tongue.

VISUALS: DJ Gor-Kak’s Mother Tongue music video. Really nonsensical. Dancing with various ethnic groups like a multi-racial harmony video.

DJ Gor-Kak raps:

Yeah, yeah, it’s me. Gor-Kak.
This is a song about my mother, tongue, yeah!

I grew up in the streets, fighting with many people,
Some speak English like they very powderful,
But they can’t beat me, you know why,
Cos I can scold them back, in my mother tongue!

Yeah, yeah.

Chorus! I am bi, lingual. So don’t try to fool me. You can’t fool me.
I have an English tongue, I have a mother tongue.
I love my tongue. I love your tongue.

(Repeat from above till fade out.)

Noose tv script – Credit card companies fed up with fake terminations (unpublished)

Noose 3 – Credit card companies fed up with fake terminations

Adrianna Wow:
Do you own a credit card? Do you threaten to quit your membership whenever it’s time to pay your annual fees? Well, the credit card companies are totally fed up with your fake terminations now. Andre Chichak has the news.

Andre Chichak (VO):
For years, many credit card holders in Singapore have threatened to terminate their cards and hence gotten their annual fees waived successfully. Today, a group of major banks in Singapore are totally fed up with such behavior and have issued a collective statement as a warning to all Singaporeans.

Morgan Bradley, Spokesman for Major Bank: (standing at a podium)
Whenever you don’t get something your way, you threaten to break up with us. You have absolutely no commitment in this relationship. But you forget, we control the economy. We control your money. We can easily crush you if we want to.

Andre Chichak (VO):
Every year, it costs the banks millions of dollars to handle calls from annoying customers who lose their credit cards. On top of that, the have to deal with mind games from you, throwing your silly tantrums, (mimics a crybaby) waaa waaa I don’t want to pay my annual fee, I threaten to terminate my membership, waaa…

Enough is enough. Starting from end of this year, you better pay up your annual fee! Don’t you dare threaten to quit! Okay, you know what, the banks have decided to dump you first! How would you like that huh? No more discounts on your restaurant bills! No more cheap movie tickets! No more points for you! Ha!

Noose Tv script – CHANGI AIRPORT WINS ANOTHER AWARD, AGAIN. (unpublished)


Adrianna Wow: Recently, Changi Airport has won the World’s Best Airport award.

B. B. See: What, again?!

Adrianna Wow:Now with more than 340 awards under its belt, Changi Airport is set to soar to greater heights. Andre Chichak finds out what new plans are in store for our world famous airport.

Andre Chichak (VO):
It’s big, it’s round, it’s yellow – No, it’s not a fishball on a stick, it’s our beloved Changi Airport.

Andre Chichak (VO): With its wonderful facilities and excellent service, Changi Airport has topped the Skytrax Airport rankings almost every year. The CEO of Changi Airport, Mr Albert Chua, tells us more about this year’s win.

Albert Chua, Changi Airport, CEO:
We win so many awards every year… where do we find enough space to put our trophies and medals? No more space already! Second place winner, Incheon Airport, if you guys want this award so badly, we can give it to you. Not! Haha, just kidding! Actually, I have a great plan to bring Changi Airport to the next level and win more awards. How about, we build another brand new terminal?! Good?

Andre Chichak (VO):
According to the management, new plans will be introduced to improve Changi Airport. Such as newly designed airport trolleys , toilet paper with aloe vera moisturiser … And a new school called Changi Airport Secondary School will also be built for students who like to study at the airport. A spokesman from the Ministry of Education:

Govt. Spokesman Wan Mo Peh:
It’s a very pragmatic decision. Since Singapore students like to study at the airport, might as well build a school here for them! We can also become an education hub. Our foreign students can fly in and fly out for classes everyday. There will be many high fliers!

Andre Chichak (VO):
Changi Airport Secondary School will offer lessons in how to pack toiletries into tiny bottles , what to do in an emergency landing and how to design better airport trolleys. .

Andre Chichak (standup):
With such exciting plans, the Changi Airport authorities say that they are heading for more awards in the future, such as the Most Photogenic Airport Award and the Award for Airport with the Most Awards. This is Andre Chichak, reporting for the Noose.