INT. STUDIO – DAY
The Health Sciences Authority has issued a warning on a health product called POWERFUL ROOSTER FOR MAN. According to their initial findings, undeclared potent substances have been detected during quality checks.
VIDEO OF MEDICINES, PHARMACY OR CHINESE MEDICAL SHOP
B. B. See (V.O):
The demand for health products is on the rise in Singapore, driven by increasing numbers of people who are too lazy to exercise. Now, a fake health product called POWERFUL ROOSTER FOR MAN has been taken off the shelves for containing dangerous substances. Doctor Ethenol Kwek, the inventor of the Great Singapore Workout and a researcher with the Health Sciences Authority, presents his findings.
HSA Doctor, Dr. Ethenol Kwek:
This fake health product, POWERFUL ROOSTER FOR MAN, claims to be made from the natural essence of the rooster. But after our tests, it’s found to contain paraepidisterbonol, dequadromentafilistra and blajakrayontine-34. These are classified as banned substances which can cause serious side effects, such as: smoother skin, shinier lustrous hair, increased jumping and athletic ability, stronger bones, healthier kidneys, faster brain activity, higher metabolism and the ability to crow loudly like a rooster. These are very serious, dangerous effects so we have issued a warning and will investigate the company accordingly.
B. B. See (standup):
According to the Jurong Hospital cum Mortuary, 5 men who have taken the fake health product are currently admitted in serious condition. One of them actually looks like Orlando Bloom now. With a Singlish accent. Unfortunately, he has refused to show his face in our interview.
INT. INTERVIEW – DAY
Orlando-looking Mr. Rooney Lim: (interviewed in silhouette)
All I wanted was to enhance a certain part of my health… But now, I have shiny hair, my skin is fairer and smoother, and my friends say I look a bit like Oh-Lun-Do Bloom! Sigh if I had known that this was a fake product made in a factory in Jurong, I wouldn’t have taken it! (Crows loudly!)
INT. STUDIO – DAY
What a poor sad man. The health authorities advise all Singaporeans not to purchase POWERFUL ROOSTER FOR MAN, which is commonly sold at void decks and sleazy back-alleys near your neighborhood.